Childhood Triggers

Quiet, he says nothing.
He doesn't tell me what's on his mind.
"Please tell me something!"
I tell stories, I smile, I cry, I yell...
still he's quiet.


A lover reminded me of someone.


He laughs.
Weak people are a joke.
He considers himself better.
I start to choke.


A friend reminded me of someone.


Sneaky, smart and skeptical,
I saw this man many times in them,
they were my father,
for his sins I got grafted in...
those men, my father...
what?
My faaathhher!


*                *                     *


Love, what was that to him?
Did it perform?
This is why I went out on a limb.
Did it suit a purpose?
What was the relevancy?
"Look at my certificates, want to see, want to see, Daddy!?"


When love caused pain, it was pushed away.
No talking, TV is on...
better not have much to say.


Children.
Seen not heard.
An attempt was made to change the father's past.
He had sex, planned for family--way too fast.


Conversation invited criticism,
shut the poor child's mouth up!
Shout her down!
He sipped too much from a cup.
Go back to being seen, not heard.


"Don't say this...
Don't say that...
If you tell..."
Old devil wearing a hat.


What was I supposed to do again?
What was I supposed to hide?
Good man walking,
my emotions were taking me for a ride.
good girl, no talking--
just a relative and a friend to confide.


Repressed memories,
revealed truth.
Harsh words
ruined a child's self esteem.
Angry hands
caused a child to fear men.
Control, control must have control--
he invited a spirit of confusion.
This wasn't discipline!


Recalled why getting shoved was okay,
why being called names was alright,
learned to formulate scripts on what to say...
why grabbing received a pass from a lover--
too many times in one day.


Didn't wonder anymore why childhood triggers
pushed me into the arms of what the patriarch said was,
"No Good N*ggers!"


I could understand,
even if he too was a black man.


The power of the pen,
freed me, wrote my way out of misery.


Thought back to the past,
realized why love didn't last.
Tired of the blame, caught up in the shame,
being exposed, he didn't want to feel lame.


"So shut that child up,
put something in that cup...
leave me alone,
don't bother to phone."
I heard it all in his tone.


Destroyed false beliefs,
wasn't going back to provide any reliefs.


Moving on with this thing called, life,
being healed from one particular strife.


God sees all and
pride comes before
a man's fall.


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

A Word from Nicholl, Blogger of lovepoetrybynicholl.blogspot.com

I had no plans back in 2007 to blog about anything related to my past.  A past riddled of loveless relationships, pain, verbal and nonverbal abuse as well as physical violence.  I can't honestly say that I was ever head over heels in love with anyone since my high school days, but I have loved.  The kind of love that isn't juvenile, lust-filled or crazy like a woman obsessed.  Rather, I have simply loved those who have been rejected, abused and bitter about life in the hopes that somehow my being in their worlds would be some benefit/relief.  However, some saw my love as a weakness--something to take advantage of, play a few mind games. These deceptive lovers had laughed to the bank while I saved them yet another dollar.  They had got into bed with someone else while with me.  Others made excuses as to why they couldn't/wouldn't help me despite my doing for them.


I've heard far too many lines from angry men (these are the type I typically attract).  Lines like:  "I love you...a man would be a fool to let you go...I need you...I want you...I will take care of you...I will marry you...I appreciate you...I wouldn't lie to you...I wouldn't cheat...I would never hit you."  Sure, sure, sure.  I think I am desensitized to flattering comments and sweet statements from my admirers.  I quietly sit back and say to myself, "Once the newness of me has worn off, you will be like all the rest."


But what I am at peace with is knowing that through the words I write and speak, someone somewhere is learning those subtle, as well as not-so subtle things, that manipulative lovers do to the gullible.  Wisdom that parents have no time to teach and ministers don't bother to preach. 


The more you learn from your relationship experiences, the more you will grow in wisdom.  You will not give your heart away, you will protect it.  You will not lose your mind as well as your body during a love-making experience.  Most of all, you won't be so naïve to think that someone will always love you and only you.


Thanks for stopping by, enjoy my love journey.  It is my hope that readers, who haven't experienced being in a relationship with manipulators, users, and abusers won't.  Toxic relationships affect your mind, body and spirit for years if you don't get out as soon as you can! 


Check out http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com, there I provide information to battered men and women.


God bless.


Nicholl 

Have Never Been in Love with My Lovers' Minds

Silly, foolish
too serious,
pretending to be knowledgeable,
dumbed down to a single syllable.


Never been in love with my lovers' minds.
Ignored the warning, flashing red signs.
Reduced my own thinking to fit in,
then hated them for the mess I got in.


TV suffocated, short skirt distracted, athlete dreamers,
ugly, naked bodies abandoned due to much eating,
they sit in cheap seating...ignorant, tired men,
Watching them with hand on chin, "Forgive me Lord for past sin."


They don't see their laziness, greed, lack of common sense.
Deep discussions intense, eyes look to run, prefer to have fun.
Undisciplined, lack focus, unable to complete a sentence..."Um, um, um..."
Dumb duh dumb!


Disputes over nothing, ignore the important things,
talk, talk, talk more than women amongst brothers
dumb, stupid ex-lovers...


They tried to put me down for their lack,
mad because I didn't have their back.
Why?  When your words hurt me
like sitting on a thumbtack?


Rid myself of you wasn't about to boo, hoo, hoo
over you. 
Where are the good men? 
Already taken, more than a few.


Started out positive in life,
despite truth cutting me like a knife.
Looked at the glass half full,
until I realized I was with a fool.
Broke my own rule--not cool!


Settled for lost, stubborn, stillborn men--
now that's a sin!


Got caught up, between sheets
tried to nurse my defeats.
Took a leap then another,
sought advice from my mother.


Never been in love with my lovers' minds,
far too many desire a huge, smelly behind.


Nicholl McGuire

Mentally Controlled by Lovers Rooster Pecked Women - Relationship Advice

Although this is not poetry, but commentary about women who are controlled by their intimate partners, it is still relevant to the subject matter on this site about love.  Be free from a suffocating relationship!  Nicholl shares more insightful and spiritual audio at YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.  Feel free to subscribe!

Caught

It wasn't easy to be me,
didn't want responsibility--
was once young,
liked to have fun,
and didn't hesitate to run!




Didn't want problem men,
but was in much sin--
always had a "friend."




But the dating game changed,
a player had rearranged a
young girl's mind--
smacked me far too much
on the behind.




Saw what I wanted to see,
wanted the player to just love me.
Thought I had the game figured out,
but my head experienced a clout.




Caught up in chasing after love,
received some insight from above.
Didn't want to wait for it to find me,
wanted what stood in front of me.




If now was now, so be it,
make the square try to fit
in a round hole, a lost soul.




You see, so many young girls
with hair full of curls,
with bright lipstick,
excited about Dick,
who is blind, and
could care less
about making them sick.




Months later bent over a toilet,
asking themselves, "Was it worth it?"
Regrets, upset, "Who was that
I just met?"




Didn't bother to put their guard up,
told to, "Shut the f*ck up!"
Pounding in and out,
boy men getting aroused when they shout.


So the young girl becomes crazy lady
now with a crying, wet baby,
wants Dick to make her his "Lady."
What?
He just wanted the butt.




But players don't change,
old lovers out of range,
always looking for a fresh piece of meat,
they leave lives incomplete.




Nicholl McGuire, see YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

If You Thought

If you thought that I ought,
I sought.


If you thought that I should not,
I fought.


If you believed I could,
I would.


People wrote my life stories,
I pretended to get the glories.


Told me they cared for me,
so many lies I would see.


They said what I should,
then I would, I would.


No joy with a new boy,
played by him like a toy.


Not happy with more money
or promises sweet like honey.


Always an issue,
go grab a tissue.


People say that they will do,
but sooner or later they forget about you.


Claim that they are being true,
this happened with more than a few.


Fall behind on bills,
climbing steep financial hills.


Desired to be on top,
no time to stop.


Thoughts run away from you,
"...got to do, got to do!"


Then one day you get sick,
from a demon's sticky lick.


Try to find a righteous way,
attempt to pray,
but forget what to say.


Calls come through on a phone,
pick up and get a dial tone.


No time to bring any more people in,
need to rid yourself of a sin.


A rebel keeps getting into trouble,
before long a life turns into rubble.




Nicholl McGuire

True Love Must Be Earned - a poem by Nicholl McGuire

Flowers, rain showers,
the beauty went on for hours.
I saw a rainbow after the last drop fell,
my health started doing very well.

Had been lovesick for days,
I thought it was just a phase.

This was something so new,
made me think of much to do.

In my sickness,
saw so many past faces,
had remembered being in so many dark places.

But this special person did things to me,
stuff I had dreams about, you see?

But days of spending time alone,
and feeling those pains that
made me groan,
I knew that this person was my one,
waited for years to finally have some real fun!

The best was yet to come!
Spent years fighting my fears,
and holding back so many tears.

Then along comes That One
who makes it all feel better,
I couldn't wait to sit
down and pen a love letter.

When I was a child,
I thought of times like these,
seemed so far beyond what
the eyes could see.

Worked hard to become free,
desired much for someone
to just love me.

Then you finally earn the right,
to be that only one in their sight.

Yesterday was definitely worth the fight.
Welcomed into that special someone's light.

The one thing that I yearned,
the one thing that I learned
is true love must be earned!

Nicholl McGuire
 

Rejected Kiss

Figured out
why he makes me shout
and why I want to get out!

Thought about the love I missed,
when I longed for a kiss,
but experienced a diss.

It was years before under a floor,
in a basement
when rejection left me sore.

I wanted so bad to feel glad,
but ended up feeling so mad!

What was a boyfriend for?
Relationships were such a bore.

At the young age of eleven,
I desired an earth like heaven.

There was much hoped for in that kiss,
one I didn't think I would miss.

Books and movies had prepared me for that day,
it was "...the kiss" they would say.

Something so special to make life better,
I asked for one in a love letter.

Prince Charming was supposed to pucker up,
but instead I felt ashamed, hoped he would shut up.

A boy wasn't ready for an adult life,
heard that love could cut like a knife.

So fast forward to this very present day,
rejection was evident--another reason to pray.

Nicholl McGuire

So Free!

Not strong, all wrong
a relationship didn't last very long.

Content with being single,
avoided places to mingle.

There was too much pain and stuff,
her poor heart yelled, "Enough is enough!"
So relieved to be over them,
especially that Worst Him!

For that mean one brought so much heartache,
spent years acting joyous and fake!
Men like him, come in every make--
gullible hearts they like to take.

So free to be a beautiful me!
No longer having to fight,
no longer out of sight.

Don't have to worry about who, what or when,
a heart no longer made of tin.

It is finally a good time in my life,
so over the ugly and depressing strife!

It's been a long time since I could smile,
oftentimes felt like I run a mile.

Sleepless nights, internal fights,
bad dreams...as trivial as it all seems,
yet someone, somewhere is in a
relationship with a lover who doesn't care.

Nicholl McGuire

Just Want to Be Happy

Unmasked his face
and saw what I wanted to see.
It was a personality sort of like me.

He had told me that he cared,
but the demon within just stared.

He had fought long and hard,
but all that did was retard
the growth of our relationship.

While his heart and mind was elsewhere--
in front of a computer screen his heart
he would share.
I just gave him an evil glare.

I was happy at first, grateful to give birth,
but lost my self-worth.
Too busy trying to find a lost me,
underneath the man on top of me.

So I looked to the troubled soul,
and held out my hand,
he took me to a distant land.
So not happy with the outcome,
1+1, I forgot the sum.

Saw what I wanted to see,
that personality sort of like me.

He was a master deceiver,
had found his receiver.
But his ways and actions said,
"I'll leave her."

Caught up in a fantasy of a few,
didn't listen to my own view,
now what was a girl to do?

Nicholl McGuire