It's been a long time coming but I have finally come face to face with my past. A past that shamed me, almost left me for dead all in the name of love. I don't know why I ever put so much trust in one man at 21 years old, but I did. I thought he would be my solution to a childhood that wished for a father's love. Although my dad lived with us, his head wasn't with us unless we made him look good by doing well in school or made him look bad by not being obedient. I had longed to talk with my dad about everything that was going on in my life. I wanted him to listen, advise me in love, and most of all embrace me and say, "Whatever your problem, it will be okay." Instead, I got criticism, jokes about my acne ridden face, and constantly being told that I was exaggerating a story everytime I had the courage to share a part of me. My parents had not grown with me as I grew up, they still saw me as a little girl looking for attention by telling stories of make believe. As much as I wanted them to take me seriously, the more I felt they were just becoming more and more anxious for me and my abstract mind to leave the house. Eventually I did and when I finally got from up under the dictatorship, I ran into the arms of a man who was like my dad: strict, serious most of the time and controlling. It was his way or no way. I wrote a journal of my ordeal with this man by using poetry as my healing. I pray someone who is reading this blog and having trouble with an abusive mate will get this book, it may save your life!
Love Has Lost Its Shine
Speak when spoken to.
No warm embrace.
No kiss upon my happy face.
Went to God seeking grace.
Left emotions all over the place.
His face often looks of disgrace.
Changed his mind about this life of ours.
Wish that he had magical powers,
to turn back the hands of time.
Wasn’t ready to embrace love divine.
Thinking this was all a plan of mine.
I accepted this responsibility.
Could have left and gone to the city.
Didn’t go around looking for pity.
Now I stay up singing, “Itsy Bitsy.”
“Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and wash the spider out
But then came the sun…”
The spider got back up again.
I get back up again!
No more rain in this house to knock me down!
Time for change!
No more wondering, wishing or waiting.
I can’t change him,
he can’t change me!
Nicholl McGuire
No warm embrace.
No kiss upon my happy face.
Went to God seeking grace.
Left emotions all over the place.
His face often looks of disgrace.
Changed his mind about this life of ours.
Wish that he had magical powers,
to turn back the hands of time.
Wasn’t ready to embrace love divine.
Thinking this was all a plan of mine.
I accepted this responsibility.
Could have left and gone to the city.
Didn’t go around looking for pity.
Now I stay up singing, “Itsy Bitsy.”
“Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and wash the spider out
But then came the sun…”
The spider got back up again.
I get back up again!
No more rain in this house to knock me down!
Time for change!
No more wondering, wishing or waiting.
I can’t change him,
he can’t change me!
Nicholl McGuire
Stalemate
He was light, shining upon my wounded face.
Opened up my heart, caused me to trust again.
I was happy.
He talked to me, listened to me.
Thought of me…
Created a world around me.
I was excited.
But then we had a child…
He became distant from me.
Redirected his emotions for me and gave them to the child.
I was no longer first.
I had become second best.
Conversations of the past I had with him.
Tried to make him see what we had missed.
He changed for a day maybe even two.
Then grew silent.
No longer interested in me.
He must think I’m a fool.
I see what’s happening.
I don’t have years to fix what didn’t have to be broken.
My thoughts have moved on, yet my heart hasn’t…at least not yet.
Nicholl McGuire
Opened up my heart, caused me to trust again.
I was happy.
He talked to me, listened to me.
Thought of me…
Created a world around me.
I was excited.
But then we had a child…
He became distant from me.
Redirected his emotions for me and gave them to the child.
I was no longer first.
I had become second best.
Conversations of the past I had with him.
Tried to make him see what we had missed.
He changed for a day maybe even two.
Then grew silent.
No longer interested in me.
He must think I’m a fool.
I see what’s happening.
I don’t have years to fix what didn’t have to be broken.
My thoughts have moved on, yet my heart hasn’t…at least not yet.
Nicholl McGuire
Relationship Games
Exchange phone numbers
play the game of who will call first?
Exchange stories of the past
does anyone really care?
Exchange dates and times to see one another
who will commit?
Exchange money for entertainment
neither insists to pay.
Hold on to hands open for something new.
Hold on to memories won't be too trusting.
Hold on to past lovers and say there only friends.
Now the calls of lust come.
Want another replay to numb the pain that haunts a broken soul.
Too busy to address issues rather break up to make up.
Too unforgiving but will bury it just this once.
Too afraid to commit to someone just as broken.
Play the game until one grows weary.
Then stop when someone else comes along that's new.
Gamble once again with unresolved issues, a misguided spirit, and no money.
Claim an unsuspecting victim in the game we call, relationship.
Nicholl McGuire
play the game of who will call first?
Exchange stories of the past
does anyone really care?
Exchange dates and times to see one another
who will commit?
Exchange money for entertainment
neither insists to pay.
Hold on to hands open for something new.
Hold on to memories won't be too trusting.
Hold on to past lovers and say there only friends.
Now the calls of lust come.
Want another replay to numb the pain that haunts a broken soul.
Too busy to address issues rather break up to make up.
Too unforgiving but will bury it just this once.
Too afraid to commit to someone just as broken.
Play the game until one grows weary.
Then stop when someone else comes along that's new.
Gamble once again with unresolved issues, a misguided spirit, and no money.
Claim an unsuspecting victim in the game we call, relationship.
Nicholl McGuire
Adult Lust
We didn't waste anytime.
From a few phone calls, dinner, a walk in the park
and now we lie naked between wet sheets.
I reflect to a time I first saw him.
He was handsome, reminding me of a childhood friend.
His smile displayed innocense, deceitfully saying,
"I want nothing more than friendship."
He teased me with his simplicity.
No complicated arrangements to make time to talk.
He was careful in the way he spoke, his voice
never cracked, stuttered or raised.
I felt overly trusting of this man I barely knew.
His cubicle around a corner from mine.
Time didn't stand still when we saw one another.
We practically bumped into each other and only said, "Excuse me."
Then one day without notice, a request for a phone number,
then an impromptu invitation to dinner.
The stranger was secretly interested.
Our attraction grew with each glance across candlelight,
he was something new for me and I for him.
Neither of us gave each other time to talk about the past,
break each other's heart, and make plans for the future.
We only wanted what we could get now.
The "now" was more important, then anything else.
He wasn't what I had envisioned myself to be with,
but I had settled.
As we lie on our backs in the dark,
both of us have rolled over.
We both know the truth. There will be nothing more to this in the morning.
Nicholl McGuire
From a few phone calls, dinner, a walk in the park
and now we lie naked between wet sheets.
I reflect to a time I first saw him.
He was handsome, reminding me of a childhood friend.
His smile displayed innocense, deceitfully saying,
"I want nothing more than friendship."
He teased me with his simplicity.
No complicated arrangements to make time to talk.
He was careful in the way he spoke, his voice
never cracked, stuttered or raised.
I felt overly trusting of this man I barely knew.
His cubicle around a corner from mine.
Time didn't stand still when we saw one another.
We practically bumped into each other and only said, "Excuse me."
Then one day without notice, a request for a phone number,
then an impromptu invitation to dinner.
The stranger was secretly interested.
Our attraction grew with each glance across candlelight,
he was something new for me and I for him.
Neither of us gave each other time to talk about the past,
break each other's heart, and make plans for the future.
We only wanted what we could get now.
The "now" was more important, then anything else.
He wasn't what I had envisioned myself to be with,
but I had settled.
As we lie on our backs in the dark,
both of us have rolled over.
We both know the truth. There will be nothing more to this in the morning.
Nicholl McGuire
Childhood Love
Eyes tell it all.
A stare from a distance
it's been weeks now,
he never misses a free moment to look at me.
If roses had eyes, his would be on the petals.
Bold, beautiful, flawless and passionate.
I simply respond with a wide smile.
We don't talk, at least not yet.
Too early to reveal feelings.
Wishing, wanting and waiting to hear what's to come.
Too afraid to make a move first.
Don't want to say the wrong thing.
I never felt like this, he is all I ever think of.
My eyes are blinded by lust.
My stomach is sick with fear.
My legs can't stand when he is around.
He is what the fairy books would call, "A prince."
If only I could hold his hand, touch his lips
say I love you...
I think I hear my mother calling, until next time, Diary.
A stare from a distance
it's been weeks now,
he never misses a free moment to look at me.
If roses had eyes, his would be on the petals.
Bold, beautiful, flawless and passionate.
I simply respond with a wide smile.
We don't talk, at least not yet.
Too early to reveal feelings.
Wishing, wanting and waiting to hear what's to come.
Too afraid to make a move first.
Don't want to say the wrong thing.
I never felt like this, he is all I ever think of.
My eyes are blinded by lust.
My stomach is sick with fear.
My legs can't stand when he is around.
He is what the fairy books would call, "A prince."
If only I could hold his hand, touch his lips
say I love you...
I think I hear my mother calling, until next time, Diary.
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