Welcome Back: A Season of Gratitude and Renewal

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Nicholl McGuire is an author, writer, blogger, and poet dedicated to sharing inspirational messages, creative writing, and practical relationship wisdom. She is the author of the Laboring to Love series, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, and She's Crazy, all available on Amazon and international booksellers. She also has a YouTube channel here. Feel free to like, subscribe, and comment.

Game

Aches and pains
another heart he had gained
used it up
spit it out
didn't understand why she would shout.

Confused, used, abused
again...
here we go
it was all insane.
He wanted all women to stay in their lane.

They went left or right or got out of his sight
He would pull them back with all of his might.
A word here or there, a cold-hearted stare.
Not too many got away, not more than a few.
He had so many, all different hues.

Suck the life out of them, didn't believe he was ever in sin!
Lied to get money, power and prestige...these were his lures
this is what he would feed.

Promise of a house on a hill.
Promise to pay a bill.
Promise his love would chill.
Promise to take them on a thrill.

I fell for the lines and thought he was all mine.
I learned later I was just another in his line.
Should have known better, he was indeed fine.

He blew you away with all his lies.
The truth he had despised.
I couldn't keep track,
emotions he did lack.

If you were lucky enough to get away,
he would use his tears and your fears
to win you back then present a world
as if he was intact.

A rage was present within this man.
That's why some women left, they ran.
I was the one who stuck around
and I was the one whose heart
hit
the
ground.

As long as you don't make one sound.
Be sweet, be nice, smell of sugar and spice,
he might keep you around.

Nicholl McGuire is the Author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and the owner of this blog.

Went Back (1996)

Foundation was supposed to be built on love.
Reminded by a beautiful, white dove.

I got a cold feelin'--
sittin' back chillin'.

This time it will be different 'cause he promised.
He pays for food and rent.

Common sense left after a hug, a kiss.
Captivated by the things I miss.

Lured back in with a stare.
Turned my head to hide my glare.

Voice within tells the truth.
What are you doing?
This isn't the Book of Ruth!

Untrue, unlike, uncommon--
together out of spite.
That last one like to fight.

Never number one.
Second best 'cause I'm fun.
What have I done?
What have I done?

I got a cold feelin'--
sittin' back chillin'.

This won't end well.
An emotional jail cell,
plans to leave hell.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Last Year

One year away, often I pray--
didn't have any more to say.

Mind was clouded
by a need for money.
Life wasn't so sweet,
cost too much to keep Honey.

I awoke to my truth
when I read the Book of Ruth.

Save that drama for Mama.

Last year the broken woman died.
I was tired of being tried.
Relationship analyzed, they lied.

Fools didn't know my story,
didn't know I gave God the glory!
Mama got her peace!!
Mouths just need to cease.

I awoke to tooth pain,
while suffering around the so-called sane.
What was to gain by staying
in your own lane?

Happy now, I'm back!
It took two teeth to crack.
Dentist brought me back to life,
no more walking around in strife.

Same year job no longer fulfilling,
bad hand the company was dealing.
My fate didn't need sealing.
Best thing to do, leave and experience healing.

Yes been away, still pray,
that's all I got to say today.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

Poet Nicholl with son Wes - Happy New Year!

You Walked Out on Me with Your Eyes

It wasn't long after the date
eyes were already looking for a new mate.
Always open for a new discovery.
Instead these men need to be looking for recovery.

A heart broken, mind split,
his body weak for the clit.
Never wants to see the light.
Fights truth with all his might.

So this time who will she be,
white skin, light brown or someone like me,
or maybe not a she, but a he?

Secrets do tell, one likes females and males.
Wouldn't dare cross the line,
wouldn't be the one to take love
from behind.

Oh, why do people hide, lie...
deep sigh,
cry for love from above--
only to respond with a shove?

Yes, I met his type before on
the seventh floor.  Decorated
himself up, wanted witnesses
to shut up. Real unique,
someone said, "He's sweet."

Didn't want me to find out
his true identity, that kind of
truth wasn't for me.  But I wasn't
blind, I could now see!  Jealous
that man was of me, attracted to
my femininity.

See, I keep wanting to believe his
lies in between his deep sighs,
but when I do I end up looking
for a Who?

Who is he trying to impress
with his delusional mess?  Take a selfie
trying to look his very best--for an audience
who doesn't know he's under a spiritual test.
He didn't claim me, but somebody will,
stupid man, took the cheating pill!

Looking to the past for a deceiver
using a photo to attract yet another
gullible receiver.

Please hurry oh God and expose the
slickester, trickster and the one who
attempts to "fix her."  Expose them all
on their foolishness, fake fitness...
Remind them of the vows, hows,
and why curses happen later rather than now.

Nicholl McGuire

No Going Back (1999)

I heard the loud clack,
closed the door.
Behind it,
a snore.

This was it,
no going back.
I finally got the nack.
It was easy, a snap!

No more going back and back.
Tired of spending a stack, a stack!

Couldn't go back!
His emotions did lack.
I, unfulfilled, could no longer relationship build.
Use to be very skilled at break up, to make up.
But I was one of many in his line-up.
Drank too much from an emotional death cup.

It started with his traditional belief,
brought on by intense grief.
Women stay in their lane,
sit quiet, and respect the ball and chain.
Convinced of so many foolish lies,
bad personality took me by surprise!

Anything to escape his physical pain,
how could one man be bane!
His chronic flirtation produced much frustration.
Within him, no cessation!
Remained in his dramas for far too long--
I knew, I was wrong--
was headed to damnation,
didn't flee temptation.

Couldn't see any other way out,
so I gave a blood-curdling shout,
"Want out!  Want out! I can't take anymore!
Not another whore!"
No objection, more rejection.

It became increasingly easier,
as he became more sleazier.
Beauty faded, his sweet talk
left me jaded.

Taking one day at a time,
felt like doing a crime.
Worried someone would see me,
didn't know how to free me!

Loved ones knew my struggle
and all the tasks I liked to juggle.
Warned me, "Ya'll ain't no couple.
You don't even snuggle, cuddle.  You living in a bubble!"

Looked myself in the mirror
truth became clearer.
Looked upon a smile turned upside down,
it was time to leave our miserable town.

Problem: brought the baggage with me,
drained what little glee, he grew irritating
like a flea.

As time moved so slow,
I knew I had to go.
So goodbye to the old door,
the snore,
love doesn't keep score,
it isn't a chore.
A great moment in time, Soul soar!

Nicholl McGuire

No Love for Me

They told me he was no good,
should have never showed up in my hood.
I must admit that I had eyes for him,
but he not for me.
He couldn't see me.

For years, I didn't exist.
Yet my feelings would persist.
I would insist
with a word,
a smile,
and encourage him to dial.

He was no good...
hung out with boys from a different hood.
I was warned,
"He's gay."
But I would pray--
didn't want to hear what others had to say--
even thought of a wedding day.

He fell eventually for my intention--
a strategy to get his attention.
I used my woman's intuition.

A single kiss on lips,
between soda sips,
ignored advisers' tips.
He was silly...
I'm like, "Really?"
Young, dumb...
just wanting some fun.

Years of anticipation,
yet nothing more than infatuation.

The truth would come out,
when he came out--
my gut gave a shout,
alarm bells bellowed out!
Feeling lost, in pain,
my mind, swirling like I was going insane.

Unwilling to believe the truth,
convinced of a personal lie.
Felt like I could die.
I just let out a cry.

Nicholl McGuire

My Hope Comes From You

I got a feeling
out of body
touching the ceiling
escape my issues
dab my tears with tissues
new believer
in You!

The heat arose
I didn't know
that he saw me
showed me love
rescued Me!

Problems like flames
would have consumed me
but He saved my soul--
used his golden key.

Now I feel all brand new,
I acted on his cue.
Felt like a wedding day,
still have a lot to say.

Life looking far better.
Caused I made time to read
His holy, love letter.

Promises fulfilled,
dreams were never
killed.
A lie from Satan--
he always hatin.'
I'm still living,
still breathing.

Just what was I thinking,
believing in flawed men
whose souls were sinking?

Man knows nothing
significant about life,
is an expert in causing more
strife.

Genuine love is all I ever wanted,
use to walk through life
like walking through a house that's haunted.

So much more to do...not about to give up
because of a few,
now that I know You!

Nicholl McGuire author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

11 to 21 Years - Time with Boys

What is that emotion that keeps me writing
about boys, boys, boys...
they look at me
talk to me
see me
but not daddy.

Boys, boys, boys
replaced my toys...
oh how I loved writing about boys!

A description here and one there,
a stare, a glare, and wish to take a dare.

Couldn't think of nothing more,
much free time was spent behind a closed door.
Stayed out the way of grown ups,
because they wanted children to shut up.

Boys, boys, boys
they were like my toys...
search for them, lust them,
a light within me slowly went dim.

From 11 to 21, it was supposed to be innocent and fun,
but met the kind of boys that didn't shine like the sun.
Burdens upon me weighed like a ton.
I wanted to be done...
lusting after boys.
I wished for days again just playing with my toys.

Nicholl McGuire

Leggings

Black tight pants.
Flesh crawl like ants.

Attraction,
create dissatisfaction.

A temporary fix
a design encouraged
body shapes look like a six,
originally meant for the size six and less,
by yet another creator who respects the Six.

Too small, to fit it all.
Women buy two, three or more
walk around at the mall.

Unflattering, inappropriate
at the workplace,
elders frown--a disgrace!

Try not to look,
behinds uncovered...
temptation
a marriage already in trouble,
another issue among the rubble.

Staring, he doesn't care, his girl is standing right there!
Match with heels, those shoes kill
what could have been...
another tight, black deadly sin.

Harmless not,
another couple just fought.
Unhappy with what they got.

Leggings
tears shedding.

Nicholl McGuire

Under the Sheets

Always so nice
he rolled women like dice.

A perfect gentleman,
but often in sin.

Really thought he was smart,
yet he couldn't even smell his own fart.

He lied much, attempted to play mind games
but he usually ends up feeling ashamed.

The devil's playground is not for sensitive types.
And definitely not for those who like to believe the hype.

Between two worlds of dark and light,
gradually the so-called believer is losing his spiritual insight.

Not focused on what God is doing with others,
he listens to deceitful brothers and lies to single mothers.

Women only good for being under the sheets,
slip and slide...he brags about his big meat.

The best cut of all, tender and raw,
but he doesn't tell them he is breaking the law.

A disease that has taken over his smelly body,
he keeps quiet doesn't want to scare away a hottie.

When truth shows up, the sick man doesn't know what to do,
he worries sometimes that his surprised lovers might sue.

Under the sheets is where he was abused and used,
he leaves his lovers in pain and confused.

Nicholl McGuire

Kiss Me, Love Me - Sometimes this makes things so much better.

Photo from Pixabay

Your Experience

Behind closed doors
between sheets
excitement
anticipation
release.

The day goes on
new day,
new thoughts
another memory.

What did she think?
What more does he want?

Impact?
Something special?
Different.

Sex.
Your own personal satisfaction.
Your own personal perspective.

A man will be a man.
A woman will be a woman.

Nicholl McGuire

In Love?

The Truth 1998-2005

Allergic to the truth
honesty, not.
Got caught.
Distraught.

Sought someone else
to fall for the lies
personal faith,
he likes to compromise.

He thinks no one is watching,
listening...
thinks he is too clever, a good catch
likes to play with people instructs them to go "Fetch."

Should have saw this one coming long ago,
he was a worker for Satan, a common foe.

Like the rest, like the rest, always show their best...

Used God to get in doors, to make friends,
while temporarily covering disgusting sins.

Should have saw the other one coming long ago,
when he looked at me with tears in my eyes and
said, "So?" and "What about So and So?"

Heartless, cold, emotionally twisted...
kissed it...the walking dead man
that mouthed, "There you go, starting your sh*t!"

The truth, a bitter pill...
but how do those lies feel?
On a phone, a computer, out of a mouth, 

on a paper, in bed after sex.

The truth.

Nicholl McGuire

Hold on to Your Faith

Romantic Regret

Can't tell you what I'm thinkin'
'cause if I do my stomach will start sinkin.'

Dreams, hopes and things
wore a few too many rings.

Past memories they bring
wounds, they start to sting.

My inspirational Spirit sings.

Wish I could tell you what I'm thinkin'
but I know me, I might start swingin'

A fight within still lives,
I wonder, "What gives?"

How much does one have to put up,
to receive a badge that reads, "This one's tough!"

So I hold out for my next vision,
before I make yet another bad decision.

Nicholl McGuire

Unleashed

Never figured it out
didn't shout it out
wasn't going to go back
to my heart in my hands
waiting for someone to
take it
twist it
shake it
mix it
and serve it back to me
learned the lesson
stopped confessin
about what I could have
should have
would have
done,
so DONE!

My heart beats
flutters
tightens
warns me
it won't be long
heard the prophecy
in God's song

In the meantime...

I write
even when I'm uptight
even when it's night
even in the dark with little light
I write--
don't claim to be right
just know how to preach my insight.

Unleashed the pain within
the past sin
the stuff evil said I wasn't supposed to say...
told to be quiet, sit and pray.
Nope Satan, not today.

Unleashed!
Unleashed!

Let truth shine
come from behind
no self-pity or guilt
no pride holding me on stilts--
saw too many knocked down
tears still on faces while they lay on the ground.

Nicholl McGuire

Yes Man Sometimes

Could he be a Yes Man sometimes?
Yes to a special day,
give me something good today.
Tell me all the things I wish he would say.

I need a Yes Man sometimes,
not all the time!
Pride gets in the way,
but saying No to me everyday,
now there's just no way...

Not playing into his mind game,
tired of more and more of the same!

Got plans,
got hands
put something in
and we both win.

Wonder if his saying "no,"
 is why past relationships
were a no go?

Women don't continue to play a long,
when men keep getting it all wrong.

Start looking around for others,
just like their wandering eyed brothers.

Why should she wait for, "Yes"
when there are others who will bless?

Not sitting around waiting for things
like rings, a couple who sings, and
him to create my puppet strings.

Got a million things to do
with my remaining years--a few.

Need a Yes man, a Yes man,
one with no issues about his tan.

Need a Yes man with fun stuff,
no fluff, looks buffed.

Yes man sometimes,
not saving every dime.

Yes man sometimes,
who doesn't see love
like it's a crime.
.

Nicholl McGuire 

Childhood Triggers

Quiet, he says nothing.
He doesn't tell me what's on his mind.
"Please tell me something!"
I tell stories, I smile, I cry, I yell...
still he's quiet.


A lover reminded me of someone.


He laughs.
Weak people are a joke.
He considers himself better.
I start to choke.


A friend reminded me of someone.


Sneaky, smart and skeptical,
I saw this man many times in them,
they were my father,
for his sins I got grafted in...
those men, my father...
what?
My faaathhher!


*                *                     *


Love, what was that to him?
Did it perform?
This is why I went out on a limb.
Did it suit a purpose?
What was the relevancy?
"Look at my certificates, want to see, want to see, Daddy!?"


When love caused pain, it was pushed away.
No talking, TV is on...
better not have much to say.


Children.
Seen not heard.
An attempt was made to change the father's past.
He had sex, planned for family--way too fast.


Conversation invited criticism,
shut the poor child's mouth up!
Shout her down!
He sipped too much from a cup.
Go back to being seen, not heard.


"Don't say this...
Don't say that...
If you tell..."
Old devil wearing a hat.


What was I supposed to do again?
What was I supposed to hide?
Good man walking,
my emotions were taking me for a ride.
good girl, no talking--
just a relative and a friend to confide.


Repressed memories,
revealed truth.
Harsh words
ruined a child's self esteem.
Angry hands
caused a child to fear men.
Control, control must have control--
he invited a spirit of confusion.
This wasn't discipline!


Recalled why getting shoved was okay,
why being called names was alright,
learned to formulate scripts on what to say...
why grabbing received a pass from a lover--
too many times in one day.


Didn't wonder anymore why childhood triggers
pushed me into the arms of what the patriarch said was,
"No Good N*ggers!"


I could understand,
even if he too was a black man.


The power of the pen,
freed me, wrote my way out of misery.


Thought back to the past,
realized why love didn't last.
Tired of the blame, caught up in the shame,
being exposed, he didn't want to feel lame.


"So shut that child up,
put something in that cup...
leave me alone,
don't bother to phone."
I heard it all in his tone.


Destroyed false beliefs,
wasn't going back to provide any reliefs.


Moving on with this thing called, life,
being healed from one particular strife.


God sees all and
pride comes before
a man's fall.


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.